Aging Gracelessly.

I haven’t written the entire year. I wish I could paint a superfluous busy schedule justifying the lack of regularity in something that I promised to do regularly. I have been doing different things this year, and I have gotten into an entirely new schedule. I am surrounded with better people,and a healthy ecosystem for my brain to function. Qualitatively, I am at a better place in my head. But, as shallow as it may seem, I have an utter lack of tragedy in my life. Which in many ways is detrimental for people who are organically not very passionate about life or are borderline nihilistic.Self-expression is a fine art but what do you do when you barely feel diverse things to contemplate on? Expressing tragedy is interesting. Expressing depression is entertaining. But expressing the mundane, which is about 80% of someone’s average life, is challenging.

Getting into a fixed routine, contrary to the popular opinion, has made me brain-dead. I am not up at odd hours contemplating the realm of universe I live in, or if cows are (marijuana-induced) high all the time. I go to work at 10 am every day. I work for 8 hours a day, I crib about work for the next 2 hours of the day. Then I order some grand sounding food to makeup for the lack of grandiose in my life, text ‘Hey what’s up? I’m good!’ under the garb of real conversations and go to sleep by 1 am.

 The other thing I’ve fallen prey to is ‘partying’ or the conventional idea of ‘having fun’. I loathed the idea of them when I used to think through my brain, but this entire year, the only thing I have created memories out of is partying. Sure they look glamorous in my social media account, but honestly, there’s nothing, more bland and redundant than parties. But, the corporate culture has been designed in a way that paves way for a sedentary lifestyle disillusioned with happy-looking drunken photographs from the past . The tighter you adhere to the corporate schedule,the lesser energy you have at the end of the day, to engage in anything wholesome, and the more time and money you end up spending on mindless chattering with people who have never understood the idea of living a wholesome life.  

As I backtrack to my pattern of being, I notice the one thing that has been significantly different this year, is that I felt happy. With or without someone. Entirely on my own accord. Or I barely had the time to sit and think about the definition of unhappiness. I was too busy adhering to my schedule and giving in to my whims. Which I don’t complain about. But happiness is a state of mind, and the mind can often easily be manipulated into feeling happy by ticking social check-lists. Graduated? Check. Full-time job? Check. Enough money to not be answerable to my parents? check. Fair amount of attention from the gender of interest? Check. Adequate photographs on Instagram exhibiting a fun-life? Check. On paper, self-reliant feminist? Double Check.

Now, lets address the archaic elephant in the room.

Am I happy?

Going by the social checklist, sure I am. There is no tangible reason to be unhappy about.  But, Is this all there is to life? An odd 100 years of not feeling tragic? A life spent being grateful about the lack of misery? 

P.S: Anybody who is itchy about commenting ‘true happiness lies in serving others’ can obviously fuck off from this page.

What does ‘Be Yourself’ really mean?

One of the most multidimensional advice someone can give you, and mind you, people mostly rake out this complicated abstract piece of advice in a casual-profound tone, is ‘be yourself’. I have often been super confused whenever somebody would ask me to be myself. How to be successful? Be yourself. How to ace an interview? Just be yourself. How to spend your life? By being yourself. There’s this entire commercial industry full of life advises, holistic life-approach coaches and career counselors instrumentally and religiously teaching you how to be someone else, and when you successfully master the 9/10 points on how to be someone else, the 10th point is to be yourself. What the hell?! If that doesn’t deploy fits of existential crisis in you, what does?
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Men Vs Women: Coping With Rejection

Sometimes I feel envious of how the male gender has stood by each other through thick and thin. I don’t know if it’s a result of the evolutionary process or just how men were coded to be, but they have each other’s back in almost every social situation.

Notice how they are together during a party, when they’re checking out women, when they’re cheating on their girls, when they’re drinking, when in love, when they’re rejected, when they don’t have female attention. When they’re jailed. All the friggin’ time. They might have only women, booze and sports to talk about, but they tend to have definitely formed a bond amongst themselves.

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Why do we constantly get attracted to strangers?

Even when I have deep fulfilling relationships with people close to me, I feel uneasy to admit it but I have always found a certain kind of solace in talking to strangers. Or opening up to them. I’ve never understood why and most of the answers to that seem regular. You know the kind, that justifies the act to cover up a deeper psychological tornado. 

 

The popular answer to this behavior, is that, it’s easier to open up to someone when there are zero stakes in it. The person barely knows you and can’t hurt you with the personal details either way. Unless you’re a billionaire. Which you’re not. 

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The Atrocities Of A Tinder Bio

I signed up for Tinder last year. I wasn’t going through a life shattering breakup (the reason why most of the people are on tinder) or looking for a rebound. I had been quite stably single since 2015 and wanted to check out the phenomenon that is Tinder. I was open to the prospect of serious non-casual dating if I liked somebody enough. We’re all aware of the hush-hush around dating apps, aren’t we? But then this is India and there’s a hush-hush around almost everything that we’re aware of! So who cares?

With sky high hopes and an unfathomable confidence in my ability to attract the opposite gender, I embarked on my digital dating adventure. Being the bitter person that I am, I not only happen to read the biographies that they write but also overtly analyze them. In my humble experience, I have noticed three genres of biographies rampant on tinder.

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Why I need your Facebook Prayers

The other day an old friend and I started talking on Instagram. ‘How have you been?’ he asked me. ‘I’m alright, I guess’ was the tailored reply. I sometimes add ‘I guess’ or similar irrelevant phrases to break the monotony of the usual standard replies. Doesn’t help much, but there’s a certain personalized appeal to that. However, within fifteen minutes of our conversation, I found out that I have moderate clinical depression(it’s just short of severe, incase you have an OCD regarding the scale) . He happens to be a doctor and is currently studying Psychiatry. He gave me a test, which I thought I was too philosophically sound to take. That is my general approach to everything, really. I mostly think I’m too intellectual for most of the shit. The joke is on me, without a doubt. 

I won’t get into the details of how empty I feel or how harrowing it is to be taken seriously by others. Nope. Not my style. That line of depressing monologue is specifically reserved for the men I’m trying to woo. I can barely help myself. Then I sit at the corner of my room and wonder what did I ever say to them, that scared them away! So very unpredictable.

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Digital Paranoia


In the wake of the existential crisis that hits me every Sunday, post 3 am, I decided to examine the reasons behind my unsettled state of mind. There are reasons why I go through this mostly on a Sunday. First, the constant conditioning of 14years of schooling is hard to get rid of. Sundays have mostly been holidays in disguise, 60% of it was spent in going through whatever homework was left, 30% in deciding whether to finish the homework at all, 10% in going over and over the consequences if I don’t, also lightly playing with the idea of being okay with standing outside the class and developing the habit of not giving a fuck, in general. Who knew it’d help during adulthood?

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The Art Of Repeatedly Disappointing Yourself

If there’s anything more personal than our STD profile test reports, it is the tale of repeated disappointments that is so fiercely personal to us that it doesn’t make sense to others, If you tell them. There are few things that we struggle with, everyday ,and sharing these problems with fellow peers only makes you feel pathetic about your own existence because it’s extremely difficult for them to acknowledge that this could be a problem at all.

 

For me, it’s getting up from the bed and going to a degree-offering  institution. 

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Putting Marriage Into Perspective

As homo-sapiens, you’d be aware of the uber successful startup of humans ,through evolution, called Marriage. Religion goes hand in hand. But let’s not talk about religion because I want to live a moderately threat-free life. If healthy, educated adults choose to believe that an imaginary super-human living in the clouds above can dictate his/her life, I don’t know why I should take it upon myself to cure them of schizophrenia. I mean, I don’t really claim to be a nice person, after-all.

Talking of marriage, the film industry at large has promoted marriage as a dreamy concept worth chasing. We’re wannabe cool kids caught in the indo-western conflict of idealism. I know what I’m supposed to want, but I also know what my brain has been washed into wanting.
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At least Learn English!- The grammar of social status.


The other day while scrolling through Facebook mindlessly, I came across the profile of a seemingly popular girl who had posted the screenshot of her conversation with a guy. While the guy was trying his best to convince her to date him, he was falling short of proper grammar. The girl, to make up for his lack of wit, responded to him with ‘Atleast learn ENGLISH!!’. And the conversation was done. That post got over 650 likes on Facebook, and all the fellow Facebook friends were fawning over her ‘witty’ response. Which, by the way, was blunt and far from witty. But Facebook has the potential to make the most bovine of contents go viral, so I’m not surprised.
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