The Art Of Repeatedly Disappointing Yourself

If there’s anything more personal than our STD profile test reports, it is the tale of repeated disappointments that is so fiercely personal to us that it doesn’t make sense to others, If you tell them. There are few things that we struggle with, everyday ,and sharing these problems with fellow peers only makes you feel pathetic about your own existence because it’s extremely difficult for them to acknowledge that this could be a problem at all.

 

For me, it’s getting up from the bed and going to a degree-offering  institution. 

It probably will not make sense to you and you’d dismiss me as a lazy irresponsible girl who has no real problem in life but to crib about the lack of sleep. But this is what it is. It’s a struggle to bring myself to get excited to go to an educational institution (which happens to be a highly uninteresting, toxic, and forcefully competitive environment to be in)  everyday to maintain an attendance record decent enough to get past the minimum level required.  I’ve struggled with maintaining proper attendance throughout high school and college. That is the last 10 years straight.

The usual  advice I get from people who are better off in this sector (which includes almost everyone around me) is to make good friends. Like there’s a ‘good friends’ sale going on at 65% discount .
I am not someone who gels with people over discussions on mascara and stilettos.
Even the ongoing trend of tagging each other in memes isn’t something that serves as an authentic marker of friendship.

 It honestly sucks to be friends with humans, and you are extremely lucky if you have few friends who genuinely care. Most of my friendships haven’t stood the test of time, for odd reasons, and I have very little faith in the ones where I can’t be myself and have to fit in to appear friendly. Friendship with men gets complicated quickly. It’s a myth that men do not gossip. Men gossip in lewd ways in their male den and most of them are unintelligent, sex-centric, below the belt gossip. So, it doesn’t help to flock on to male attention for friendship, because even that rarely works out.

I must seem like a lunatic by now, but that’s okay. You’ve caught me at a bad time, and you’re marginally at a happier position than I am, so it must seem like a lot of unnecessary complaints against planet Earth and the species it harbours. But someday you might be able to relate to it.  Or not.  We’ll see.

 

The mess that I’m in right now is having to go through 8 more months of college. It was supposed to be 6 more months, if I behaved. But I missed college for two months, and did nothing productive in the meantime. The problem with me is I keep thinking that ‘the future Priyanka’ would do something so amazing that I (the present Priyanka) would not have to go through the entire ordeal of keeping up with my attendance. 

The flow-chart being:

SOMETHING INCREDIBLE  IN THE FUTURE.
                                    ↓
The world acknowledges my imaginary talent.
                                    ↓
Official recognition for being a prodigy.
                                    ↓
My college authorities regretting that they couldn’t see me for who I was
                                     ↓
Their decision to exempt me from scrutiny because I’m too great to be lowered down to the shackles of regular attendance
                                     ↓
                        FREEDOM.

This is my usual coping-mechanism. This is the convenient trap that I create for myself and gladly slip into, every single time. The result? One fine day it hits me that I’ve mastered the art of living in denial.  Nothing of what I imagine is going to happen in the next 6 months, atleast . Therefore I have to slog through the days to complete my attendance which gets me into the hopeless spiral of self-sabotaging behavior. I feel helpless, disappointed with myself, without anybody to blame. I can’t snap out of this cycle. It’s dangerous. Feeling this strongly about something and not being able to do anything about it, is dangerous.

I don’t know if this is just me or is this common to have self-sabotaging behaviour patterns that we’re unable to break out of. It’s annoying to go through something that is not a recognized physical or mental illness, and something you cannot communicate very well with others. It’s just there, at the back of the mind, gnawing at our insecurities, slyly giving us the illusion that we have it under control. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my mess. I have no idea what will actually help me. But for now, I’ll start with admitting that I’ve messed up. I am still ferociously averse to going to college, just for the heck of attendance. I sincerely hope some miracle comes up. I hope I become my own miracle.

14 Replies to “The Art Of Repeatedly Disappointing Yourself”

  1. Can relate to this your version of mess… have read a few of your pieces.. could gather that your creative imagination is your asset.. you have got flexible thoughts priyanka.. display well and the world will ponder widely..

  2. Have you considered short-term therapy with a psychologist? I am also prone to such burnouts and one thing I regret is not considering a therapist in time. I know in India it’s a bit taboo (maybe expensive too, unless your college offers one), but who cares anyway? It will help you get past a semester of college, after which you can/should take an extended break.

    1. I haven’t considered a therapist yet. I am not comfortable with opening up to strangers and taking verbal advices. Not working for me. How does it help you?

      1. There is a difference between random verbal advice from friends and structured advice from a therapist. You may have to try a few different therapists to see who you can gradually open up to. It’s not guaranteed to help, of course. A few of my friends do therapy and I did go to a few sessions in college. Even if it helps a little, that’s good.. right?

        I am not really that comfortable discussing this in public. You can send me a private message, if you wish. I will be happy to be of any help.
        Anyway, I wish you luck. It’s an ongoing battle, but I hope you do find fulfillment (whatever that means) in your future. Subho Nabami, btw ☺

  3. You disappoint yourself because you already have a fixed expectation from your future and as you might know life is actually rolling that dice for you, one can never be sure of the things that are gonna happen to him/her_we mess our own life by freaking out when those expectations are not met and it requires more effort than we thought it would require! The only solution to this is acceptance and peace of mind

  4. For a moment i felt i was reading myself through your words…. Last four years in the so called ”proffessional institute ” has made me live purgatory, even before death….. How wonderfully you have penned all these years of toxicity and self hate in words is really praiseworthy….??

    1. Ah, thank you! It feels so much better to know that I am not the only one going through this. I would like to know what you went through though, if you don’t mind sharing!

  5. I don’t think that u need to meet any therapist…it is a usual problem that is faced by all the students…
    It varies from person to person that how they face it.. But from this blog it seems that u r really an interesting person who knows that how to express there thoughts in a very pleasent manner..
    And for this blog i have to say that it is the time for self analysation that what you want to achieve in future…

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