If there’s anything more personal than our STD profile test reports, it is the tale of repeated disappointments that is so fiercely personal to us that it doesn’t make sense to others, If you tell them. There are few things that we struggle with, everyday ,and sharing these problems with fellow peers only makes you feel pathetic about your own existence because it’s extremely difficult for them to acknowledge that this could be a problem at all.
For me, it’s getting up from the bed and going to a degree-offering institution.
It probably will not make sense to you and you’d dismiss me as a lazy irresponsible girl who has no real problem in life but to crib about the lack of sleep. But this is what it is. It’s a struggle to bring myself to get excited to go to an educational institution (which happens to be a highly uninteresting, toxic, and forcefully competitive environment to be in) everyday to maintain an attendance record decent enough to get past the minimum level required. I’ve struggled with maintaining proper attendance throughout high school and college. That is the last 10 years straight.
The usual advice I get from people who are better off in this sector (which includes almost everyone around me) is to make good friends. Like there’s a ‘good friends’ sale going on at 65% discount .
I am not someone who gels with people over discussions on mascara and stilettos.
Even the ongoing trend of tagging each other in memes isn’t something that serves as an authentic marker of friendship.
It honestly sucks to be friends with humans, and you are extremely lucky if you have few friends who genuinely care. Most of my friendships haven’t stood the test of time, for odd reasons, and I have very little faith in the ones where I can’t be myself and have to fit in to appear friendly. Friendship with men gets complicated quickly. It’s a myth that men do not gossip. Men gossip in lewd ways in their male den and most of them are unintelligent, sex-centric, below the belt gossip. So, it doesn’t help to flock on to male attention for friendship, because even that rarely works out.
I must seem like a lunatic by now, but that’s okay. You’ve caught me at a bad time, and you’re marginally at a happier position than I am, so it must seem like a lot of unnecessary complaints against planet Earth and the species it harbours. But someday you might be able to relate to it. Or not. We’ll see.
The mess that I’m in right now is having to go through 8 more months of college. It was supposed to be 6 more months, if I behaved. But I missed college for two months, and did nothing productive in the meantime. The problem with me is I keep thinking that ‘the future Priyanka’ would do something so amazing that I (the present Priyanka) would not have to go through the entire ordeal of keeping up with my attendance.
The flow-chart being:
SOMETHING INCREDIBLE IN THE FUTURE.
The world acknowledges my imaginary talent.
Official recognition for being a prodigy.
My college authorities regretting that they couldn’t see me for who I was
Their decision to exempt me from scrutiny because I’m too great to be lowered down to the shackles of regular attendance
This is my usual coping-mechanism. This is the convenient trap that I create for myself and gladly slip into, every single time. The result? One fine day it hits me that I’ve mastered the art of living in denial. Nothing of what I imagine is going to happen in the next 6 months, atleast . Therefore I have to slog through the days to complete my attendance which gets me into the hopeless spiral of self-sabotaging behavior. I feel helpless, disappointed with myself, without anybody to blame. I can’t snap out of this cycle. It’s dangerous. Feeling this strongly about something and not being able to do anything about it, is dangerous.
I don’t know if this is just me or is this common to have self-sabotaging behaviour patterns that we’re unable to break out of. It’s annoying to go through something that is not a recognized physical or mental illness, and something you cannot communicate very well with others. It’s just there, at the back of the mind, gnawing at our insecurities, slyly giving us the illusion that we have it under control. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my mess. I have no idea what will actually help me. But for now, I’ll start with admitting that I’ve messed up. I am still ferociously averse to going to college, just for the heck of attendance. I sincerely hope some miracle comes up. I hope I become my own miracle.