In the wake of the existential crisis that hits me every Sunday, post 3 am, I decided to examine the reasons behind my unsettled state of mind. There are reasons why I go through this mostly on a Sunday. First, the constant conditioning of 14years of schooling is hard to get rid of. Sundays have mostly been holidays in disguise, 60% of it was spent in going through whatever homework was left, 30% in deciding whether to finish the homework at all, 10% in going over and over the consequences if I don’t, also lightly playing with the idea of being okay with standing outside the class and developing the habit of not giving a fuck, in general. Who knew it’d help during adulthood?
Now, that I’m supposed to be an adult, I get the same feeling but the problems have evolved and my vocabulary has become more presentable. For example, nobody would have believed me if I’d said that I m going through an existential crisis when I was 5 . (life is a little unfair for school-going kids, if you ask me). But particularly today, now that I’m writing, I realize how much I’ve missed it. It feels amazing to be able to confide your thought process in something that doesn’t come up with annoying responses to your problems like, ‘chill, God will take care of everything’ or ‘ Calm down, everybody feels this’., I mean I’m dealing with my own set of hormonal and electrolyte exchanges here and my neurons feel hugely disoriented, how is asking me to calm down and the knowledge that somebody else’s neural network is fucked up too, any reason to feel better about my state? I can still hear some of you muttering ‘calm down’ at this point. Fuck you very much, you prodigy of meditation, you.
For people who have been reading my blog, would know how I struggle with figuring out what I really want to do/ who I want to be, in life. But I noticed a strange pattern lately. Do you know what’s the cause for the inferiority complex triggered by the media? Other than the obious delusional projection of perpetual happiness, have you observed how people are no more happy doing just one thing?! I’ll read out a profile.
Lawyer. Fitness model. Sports coach.
Fashion Influencer. Dog lover. Traveller.
Believer in positive vibes and the universe.
I mean, just reading that at one go made me feel like a worthless trash can doomed for an eternity. Here, the crisis is to be just one thing. But what’s really going on, isn’t one thing at all! How can someone feel satisfied with oneself when the competition is to be multiple things at once? You’re telling me you’re an engineer? Not impressed. You’re telling me you’re an engineer, painter, writer,orator, motivational speaker, tattoo artist? Now you got my attention! See the fuckin’ pressure social media biographies bring?
Since when has dog-loving/ cat loving/ rat loving become achievement enough to define yourself? What do you mean by social media influencer? What are these pseudo-career options that they never talk about at school yet successfully manage to trigger unknown complexes that need therapy to get rid of? It’s a well crafted network of illusions giving rise to ill-mental health, yet we gladly succumb to it. The struggle, fellow human, isn’t to be best at what you do, anymore.
The struggle is to create the best illusion.